Journal Entry # 1,649

So, who's down for a history lesson? Wait...hold up....let me start first by saying I've had a few hoomans come up to me and ask, "Dahk-Tore Smoldyface, if you guys are here to spread peace from a peaceful place, why do you have these horrible parasites you use?" It's a good question, but not a short or simple answer. So I give you the tale of my parasites and how they changed since i got here. This very long tale begins in our universe, so long ago your species probably did not yet walk upright. Before I was a Dahk-Tore. Before the Divine were the Divine. When our universe was much like your own. Young, naive and shrouded in evil. A much younger Tore-Tillia, one of the Divine Overseers now, was sent by his older brother, along with 11 other chosen Scotas, some the wisest and most trusted beings in the universe, to defend 12 isolated planets in different quadrants of uncharted space. They were dark, lonely worlds. One was my home. The Scotas had been sent to defend these worlds against an evil race of creatures known as the Avo. The intelligence stated that the Avo were going to use these 12 planets as a foothold into the nearest galaxies, aiding a quest for universal dominance. The 12 Scotas barely survived as they all found out it was a trap. The Avo destroyed each world, hoping they had taken the Scotas with it. They failed, but many Scotas did not have time to save any native inhabitants. Many species went extinct. I was a lone survivor of Narfsploit 6. Tore-Tillia saved me. Many years passed and I acquired a vast fortune of knowledge under the guidance of my new friends. I was taken under the wing of a Dahk-Tore Shib Tibby. There was a whole league of Dahk-Tores back then. But, to keep on point, the war with the Avo had only gotten worse, and was tearing entire galaxies apart. The Scotas were at a loss over what to do. This is where I came in. The Avo used for footsoldiers a species known as Dorthkarians. Massive numbers, super strong, hard to kill, large and destructive. I had created Technologically enhanced grub worms, almost microscopically small, that could burrow through any material. They were designed to sneak up on the enemy, digging thru dirt and what not and then would crawl up the legs and chew various openings into flesh and make their way to the brain. There they would essentially hack into the brain and link to my networks, giving us full control and being able to command them like a hive. My plan was to use these against the Dorthkarians, and then turn them on their masters, the Avo. Now, the Scotas took pause at this, because robbing a creature of its free will, even one that vile, goes against what they stand for. But when it came down to it, they agreed it had to be done to help end the war. And it did. Now, skip ahead a gazillion urth years, to where we are now. The parasites have undergone not only a thousand upgrades since then, but the ones I've been using on Urth, I have specifically modified to be less aggressive. They do not rob you of your free will. Rather they release a harmless chemical, that stimulates a desire for us and our Urth mewzik band thing. In essence you become permanently enamored with Sausage Fingers. Also they do not chew holes thru your flesh anymore, but rather just slip quietly up your rectum and then make their way thru various blood vessels to their destination. So if you ever have an itchy asshole during our show, that may be why. Or you sharted.