Journal Entry # 1,650

Well, our first tour was definitely that. A tour. A tour de Force. A tour of a bunch of hooman cities. I tour a hole in my favorite pants!! HAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, that joke was dumb. But seriously, what can I say? What words could the three of us utilize to properly express the experience that is traveling thru unknown hooman wilderness to play Urth Metal for you strange creatures? I've got a few. After all, the Tsar-Djent and I have been doing this throughout your entire universe. This is not, as you say, our first rodeo. So.....Let us start at the beginning. First off...this planet has so much DIRT! Seriously....I spent 11.65 hours worth of this trip looking at different variations and formations of dirt. Sometimes it looked cool, but usually it was just flat and dry. And then Spasmodeus would see one of those "Dust Devils" and he'd go try and ride it. We would have to chase him down. Which would be fine, except we brought this traveling merchant hooman with us named Soto, and he is what you hoomans call a "Mexican." So we go chasing Spasmodeus, and then these "Border Patrol" hoomans are chasing us. Talking about some invisible line separating countries we aren't allowed to cross, and I just kept thinking "This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." But then they had guns, but my gun was better so...we win. El Paso was our first urth show, at an intimate little venue. In what we swear is one of the hottest damn places on your planet. I hope you don't mind, but at some point I'm going to create a device to push your sun...just...a few inches away. Drop the average temperature a bit. Then we drove, along more invisible border and dust devils, to Bisbee. I like that name Bisbee. A very quaint town, and the hoomans there are very friendly. I met a Les Claypool doppleganger who did magic tricks. And Tsar-Djent Peckerhead developed a new found hatred for monitor speakers. After our performance, we made way to Las Vegas. The sights in this city alone, I could go on about at length, but I will not. But I did ride a rollercoaster and frightened innumerable children. But thats not even the best part. At our show, we met a hooman from your country of Wales. Thought it was some place down the street, turns out it's nearly the other side of the planet. Across an ocean and half a country. I must say, that this hoomans enthusiasm at seeing us was very uplifting to Tsar-Djent Peckerhead. We don't even have to leave the country to start spreading our message to the rest of Urth. A rekindling of his divine purpose I saw in him that night. Anyways, we eventually had to leave Vegas, as it began to suck the urth munnies right out of us. Yes, hoomans the tour was not all fun and gravies. I dare say the worst part was the Momentous hoomans breaking thru their hypnosis and trying to escape, or kill us in our sleep. I wouldn't mind normally, but it happened 57 TIMES!!! Either they were very strong willed, or I need to fix my Hypno Tizo Machine. It got exhausting trying to fight them off all the time. That drummer has got some muscle. Fortunately muscle means fuck all when your opponent has a ray gun, so lucky me! Anyhoo, I digress. Our next stop was a city I constantly misspell and mispronounce....Albuquerque....holy shit I think I got it right this time. I much enjoyed playing a Tiki Lounge. There is a planet, in a galaxy near the center of our universe, that has a creature which so happens to be called a Tiki, or Tikitakus Tikicicus is the native name. How do I describe this creature? Like a mutant hybrid of Wasp and Squirrel, but can be as large as an automobile. Vicious things. No, the hooman concept of Tiki is...much more inviting. As were the hoomans in this city. WE shall return and Tiki with you once more! Now, for the next leg of our journey, we went to Salt Lake City! Where we feasted on fruits and pastries, and drown ourselves with wine and Urth women, and a crowd of 50 million people chanted our name for 30 minutes straight after all we did was the soundcheck!!!!! Or at least that would have been cool.....that's not what happened. Not even close. Apparently SLC likes punk, but not us. They said, "Don't even come here Sausage Fingers. Noone wants to play with you, and we hate your shirt and your stupid faces." And we cried like hooman girl babies, and I tried to unleash the parasites, but apparently Mormons are immune? So now i have to figure out some other way to brainwash Utah. Ugh. So after we were torch and pitchforked away, we decided to head straight to Denver. Where the boundless hospitality of a hooman couple made our stay one of the most relaxing of the journey. And they had a pet pig! It reminded the Tsar-Djent and I of Pugly McRiblets....awwww....Pugly....Erhhmm...Anyways.... We had an awesome show there, we even shared the stage with astronauts and a unicorn. What a trip. We are all very anxious to return to you, hoomans of Colorado. You can bet it will be soon. After leaving the gloriously green city of Denver, we made our way to Topeka, where we had our boobies trapped.....Spasmodeus told me to say that. He said it was funny. I don't get it Spasmodeus. What is funny about boobies? Oh there he goes laughing again. Weirdo. What I remember most, is the hoomans taking us in during a most intense storm. We are most appreciative for that. I think this is where we broke our merchant hooman. Yes, he malfunctioned in the rain and accrued damage to part of his neural processors. And I foolishly left the repair kit in the lab. So we patched him up best we could with glue and macaroni noodles, and pushed on to our final destination. Lawton. The hoomans here helped us end this tour right. An amazing crowd, with amazing bands. A performance outshining the previous nights. And a staple, we found, of the tour diet....Whataburger. Spasmodeus is right. Hoomans know food. So, in summary, we say the tour was a success. Except for some minor setbacks, being that now I can't seem to UN-hypnotize the Momentous hoomans and send them back to their normal lives. Certainly hope noone comes looking for them. Oh well, I have more important things to concern myself with. Mainly, more shows, more new Urth Mewzik, and at some point in the future, another traversing of your planets cities. You didn't think we were only going to do this once did you? Of course we're coming back. But I'm bringing double the parasites next time. And an extra ray gun. And my enhanced Super HypnoTizo machine with new Mormon brainwashing technology!!! We'll get you yet, Utah!!!